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Monday, September 12, 2011

Lucas is 10 months old and Mommy's Back To Work

I feel GREAT!

I heard many mommy's complain about how its easy to loose yourself as a mom and now I can understand with all the self denying, self sacrificing, and simply lack of time for self nurturing tendencies. On top of that, I realized that my Christian walk has been warped and out of wack. I forgot all about "loving others AS I LOVE MYSELF

Who am I, What do I like, What do I want, What would I do?
The I in my relationships and marriage started to fade and soon, with that my self-esteem.  When we deny ourselves, I found that my body started to speak for me, feelings would rise (guilt, jelousy), and stress level with that.

However, today, I feel GREAT; Why?

1. Developing a Personal Style
For 9 months during pregnancy and 9 months after, all I wore was baby doll tops, lots of BLACK, and sweats. I can walk into a store and feel that NOTHING there will look nice on ME. Having a husband consistantly bugging me to where mini skirts doesn't help either; because that's just not ME.
So I started to browse magazines and downloaded some fashion apps for mon my iphone to browse and take note of what I liked and what I didn't like. Then I CLEANED out my closet tossing everything that I didn't fit anymore, especially items I've saved thinking I will one day fit those again! Nope Gone, I don't care! Finally, I went shopping for a something I REALLY liked and didn't care whether it was on sale or not, because I AM WORTH IT! haha!

2. Back to Work
Being back to work at what I do best, Accounting has been so liberating. It's one area I know I can.
Being able to dress up, talk to people in non baby language, and simply be an adult is new and exciting. The boys at work thinking that I"m onlyy 24 helps too:) hehe  In addition; having the extra income now eliviates our financial stress and we can move into managing our finances and not let our finances manage us. (Mo and I)

3.  Stopped Being Religious
Believe it or not, after 10 years of going to church and being a Christian, I QUIT!
I recently finished a book by Andrew Farley "God without Religion" and it's help me put on new lens as I view my faith.

4. Loving Myself with No Guilt
I'm starting to honor myself and love myself with NO GUILT by making time for myself, tidying, and simply listening to my feelings, needs, and wants.  The next hardest thing is finding and using my voice to assert what I need and want.

But ofcourse not always, I still have that nagging thought " oh but that is so selfish"; 

People who judge don't matter, and people who matter don't judge! 

5. Marriage Counselling
Mo and I are going to marriage counselling and its really helped us understand each other, how to communicate, and also what our boundaries are with each other.  I can't change anyone including my husband, but I can certainly change myself and my reactions.  - To give someone freedom and honoring his choices has freed and empowered me to make my own choices and actions. I feel closer to him and can embrace each day with him. (almost each day .. hehe)
6. El-Shaddai'sThe store is now self-sustaining after its 3rd year of operating. Though its been hard work with huge financial stress; I think the hard part is over  and now we (my partner and I) have more freedom and resources to create new projects and ideas to help improve the business / ministry. Our team there is so helpful, and gifted in different ways. Truly its not just a ministry to our customers, but its been a place of healing for myself.

7. Friendships & Family
Spending more time with friend's and family, accepting help, talking about my struggles, and reaching out has helped me nurture and develop the relationships that mean most in my life. Many friends have come and go, but there is a handful, that hold a special place in my heart.

8. My Mom
Being a mom, has opened my eyes, to the depth of love my own mother has for me. For those who know me well, its been a rough journey with my mother or lack of. However, during my time of financial need, she really poured into my life, her time, her effort, and her love. I'm truly thankful for her and can see what an awesome mother she is.

Well I hope this list for me continues and that I can come back to this and reflect on days I don't feel so great! :) - 

Any hoo, thanks for reading and I hope you have a GGGGGGRRRRRREAT DAY!!!