First I'd like to begin, by confirming that Lucas is a healthy growing boy!! I was worried that by taking Enbrel throughout my pregnancy and breastfeeding may have compromised his immune system, but he has not gotten sick once yet and from his check ups, he is doing GREAT! Yeah for healthy baby! Also Yeah to Otis Research Centre for providing me with research info.
As for myself, I've cut out gluten, eggs, and mushrooms and have found this helpful with minimizing inflammations. Of course my right wrist is a constantly sore and inflamed a bit and I've grown now to accept it as my norm.
I'd like to explore how deep breathing, relaxation, and mindfulness can help with calming my auto immune / nervous system. Perhaps my body still thinks I'm in a threatening situation. If you know my growing up, everywhere I turned, it was unsafe. I think my body is still triggered and needs to somehow know, that I am now safe. This will take time and effort.
To reserve time to nurture and love myself is quite a difficult task for a mom, part-time accountant, part-time bookstore partner, wife, and friend. However, I do believe this is important. Being on the go go go all the time is NOT healthy!
Perhaps going to the SPA would be therapeutic! :)
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Cure to Rheumatoid Arthritis Continued
As I journey I have come to realize that my nervous system is in shock from past traumas which is a factor to me having rheumatoid arthritis. Though now I seem at peace, my body and repressed memories seem to remember and in certain situations I get triggered.
When triggered my flight, fight or freeze mode kicks in and I never understood why until now.
To heal from rheumatoid arthritis I figure I need to deal with healing in several levels that are not mutually exclusive but connected to each other.
1. Physical
2. Emotional
3. Spiritual
Physical
My gluten free diet is definitely helping, but not the cure. If I fall off the band wagon and begin to sneak some wheat in my diet, my joints do feel it right the next morning. I'm still on Enbrel once a week for the mean time.
I figure healing must happen at a deeper level and there is still a disconnect and also a bit of neglect of my body. So often, I ignore the cries from my body for sleep, healthy food and WATER!!
Coincidentally and not so "coincidentally", I recently got hired as the accountant at Bikram Vancouver Yoga. I would never do Yoga because it meant I must show my deformed arthritis feet, but what the heck I tried it!
To my surprise, by the end of the class, I didn't care who was looking at my feet. I felt more grounded, better equipped to listen to my body, and detoxified! That was only 1 class! I'm excited to continue and I know that Bikram Yoga is meant to be for me at this time and this place in my healing journey.
Emotional
Though I feel good, most of the time, deep within, there are still unresolved issues which hinders me from being free to be me. Slowly, I'm breaking out of my shell, accepting and loving who I am. Slowly, I am FEELING the safety that I know is true around me. I believe being emotionally well, doesn't mean feeling good all the time, but equipped to identify, honor and respond to our feelings in a healthy way.
Spiritually
Some may say I fell off the chart here, from operating a Christian book store, to working for a Yoga company, but for me, I see God differently. For now, I have taken God out of the church! He has opened my eyes to his presence in places never imagined.
Here's a story to explain:
Jesus walked up to a girl crying outside the church:
"My daughter, why are you crying?"
She replied, "They won't let me in because.. (fill in the blank... i.e. I'm gay or I smoke, I .....)..."
Jesus hugs her and says "I'm sorry, I know how you feel. They won't let me in either"
Not saying that all churches are judgmental, but for me at this time, I need to break free and know my God outside the building. He has lead me to Bikram Yoga, and I believe it's part of his plan to heal me by pointing me back to loving, caring, knowing, integrating, listening, to my body which is a gift from God!
When triggered my flight, fight or freeze mode kicks in and I never understood why until now.
To heal from rheumatoid arthritis I figure I need to deal with healing in several levels that are not mutually exclusive but connected to each other.
1. Physical
2. Emotional
3. Spiritual
Physical
My gluten free diet is definitely helping, but not the cure. If I fall off the band wagon and begin to sneak some wheat in my diet, my joints do feel it right the next morning. I'm still on Enbrel once a week for the mean time.
I figure healing must happen at a deeper level and there is still a disconnect and also a bit of neglect of my body. So often, I ignore the cries from my body for sleep, healthy food and WATER!!
Coincidentally and not so "coincidentally", I recently got hired as the accountant at Bikram Vancouver Yoga. I would never do Yoga because it meant I must show my deformed arthritis feet, but what the heck I tried it!
To my surprise, by the end of the class, I didn't care who was looking at my feet. I felt more grounded, better equipped to listen to my body, and detoxified! That was only 1 class! I'm excited to continue and I know that Bikram Yoga is meant to be for me at this time and this place in my healing journey.
Emotional
Though I feel good, most of the time, deep within, there are still unresolved issues which hinders me from being free to be me. Slowly, I'm breaking out of my shell, accepting and loving who I am. Slowly, I am FEELING the safety that I know is true around me. I believe being emotionally well, doesn't mean feeling good all the time, but equipped to identify, honor and respond to our feelings in a healthy way.
Spiritually
Some may say I fell off the chart here, from operating a Christian book store, to working for a Yoga company, but for me, I see God differently. For now, I have taken God out of the church! He has opened my eyes to his presence in places never imagined.
Here's a story to explain:
Jesus walked up to a girl crying outside the church:
"My daughter, why are you crying?"
She replied, "They won't let me in because.. (fill in the blank... i.e. I'm gay or I smoke, I .....)..."
Jesus hugs her and says "I'm sorry, I know how you feel. They won't let me in either"
Not saying that all churches are judgmental, but for me at this time, I need to break free and know my God outside the building. He has lead me to Bikram Yoga, and I believe it's part of his plan to heal me by pointing me back to loving, caring, knowing, integrating, listening, to my body which is a gift from God!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Faith911 - Missions Fest
My gamer name is Faith911 since way back when and I never would have considered myself shaken in faith in any way. Frankly I may have had too much faith that lead me to do radical things that didnt make sense such as leaving a secured accounting position for the bookstore venture, or emptying my RRSPs to live on an island of 500 to study Gods word, but the truth is if its MY faith then their is NO faith!
MY faith is now shaken! I look around at the suffering, hear stories of children being sold, sexually abused and exploited, illnesses and more! Where are you God? How can you love such monsters? What's the point of being a "Christian", so I can say and do nice things, act joyful and sing praises?
But these 3 days I've been at a conference called Missions Fest and I've been truly Inspired! Over 100 organizations and charities all under one roof to share what God is doing in their ministry to the orphans, the ill, the dying, the abused, the untouchables, the hungry and the poor.
Each booth represented Gods comfort, healing
And love! There is Hope! There is a
Reason to believe!
As I reflect on my own booth there I realize that yes, the bookstore helps w nurturing the souls of Gods army to know him more and his heart! We help spur these people on!
I hope people can recognize me as a Christian for not what I say, the crosses I wear, or the fish on my bumper. (by the way I took all these thins off!) but by me just being me, as a child of An almighty maker.
Forever I think my faith will be rocky here and there! I pray that God gives me more faith in Him and whoever is reading this too:)
MY faith is now shaken! I look around at the suffering, hear stories of children being sold, sexually abused and exploited, illnesses and more! Where are you God? How can you love such monsters? What's the point of being a "Christian", so I can say and do nice things, act joyful and sing praises?
But these 3 days I've been at a conference called Missions Fest and I've been truly Inspired! Over 100 organizations and charities all under one roof to share what God is doing in their ministry to the orphans, the ill, the dying, the abused, the untouchables, the hungry and the poor.
Each booth represented Gods comfort, healing
And love! There is Hope! There is a
Reason to believe!
As I reflect on my own booth there I realize that yes, the bookstore helps w nurturing the souls of Gods army to know him more and his heart! We help spur these people on!
I hope people can recognize me as a Christian for not what I say, the crosses I wear, or the fish on my bumper. (by the way I took all these thins off!) but by me just being me, as a child of An almighty maker.
Forever I think my faith will be rocky here and there! I pray that God gives me more faith in Him and whoever is reading this too:)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Lucas - Chicken Pox or Hand Foot and Mouth Disease?
Lucas just turned one and we took him to the doctors for his 1 year standard immunization shots.
3 weeks later, Lucas had a slight fever, nothing too serious as he was still his playful self.
But after the fever wore off, he started to get bumps all over his hands, back, behind his knees and ankles.
The spots were like blisters all consentrated in areas where his ezema usually is.
Maurice, my husband, also started to feel very ill. He had hot cold flashes, no appetite, sore throat and was so weak, I had to feed him soup. We all went to the clinic and baby was diagnosed with chicken pox and daddy was diagnosed with either strep throat or flu.
Ok, this is normal, I thought, every child gets chicken pox and the earlier the better I guess, so he doesn't remember it. We stayed home 3 days (rough three days for me as I had to care for a big baby and a little one) . Lucas's spots started to disapear so I brought him to his grandma's for the day. Well well well, when I picked him up, grandma seemed "tired". Maurice's sister, also mentioned, she didn't feel very well.
BOTH Maurice's sister and Maurice started to break out in bumps all over their hands and feet.
What is going on? Maurice's sister went to the doctors and was diagnosed with hand foot and mouth disease.
3 weeks later, Lucas had a slight fever, nothing too serious as he was still his playful self.
But after the fever wore off, he started to get bumps all over his hands, back, behind his knees and ankles.
The spots were like blisters all consentrated in areas where his ezema usually is.
Maurice, my husband, also started to feel very ill. He had hot cold flashes, no appetite, sore throat and was so weak, I had to feed him soup. We all went to the clinic and baby was diagnosed with chicken pox and daddy was diagnosed with either strep throat or flu.
Ok, this is normal, I thought, every child gets chicken pox and the earlier the better I guess, so he doesn't remember it. We stayed home 3 days (rough three days for me as I had to care for a big baby and a little one) . Lucas's spots started to disapear so I brought him to his grandma's for the day. Well well well, when I picked him up, grandma seemed "tired". Maurice's sister, also mentioned, she didn't feel very well.
BOTH Maurice's sister and Maurice started to break out in bumps all over their hands and feet.
What is going on? Maurice's sister went to the doctors and was diagnosed with hand foot and mouth disease.
As of today, Maurice has recovered and is back to work, Lucas has recovered and with his grandma, Grandma is feeling better with no break outs, and I think Maurice's sister is back to work too.
and me? I feel fine. weird. Maybe it's my autoimmune that is keeping whatever this is away.
and me? I feel fine. weird. Maybe it's my autoimmune that is keeping whatever this is away.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
What Does Quitting Religion Look Like?
So it's been a couple month's since my last post and also my last visit to a church.
It's funny how people are concerned about my church attendance. I suppose it's from good intentions and because they care, but frankly, I really prefer not to be monitored.
It's funny how people are concerned about my church attendance. I suppose it's from good intentions and because they care, but frankly, I really prefer not to be monitored.
It's a crucial time, especially with the launch of El-Shaddai's Library and here I am wanting to quit being religious. Perhaps I've gone astray? Being too liberal? ....
God reminded me today the purpose of the book store! I went into the public library to borrow books on business plans and parenting. As I browsed the cataloque, I jotted down some call numbers. One of the numbers I jotted down (which was suppose to be either parenting or business plans), lead me to this book!
God reminded me today the purpose of the book store! I went into the public library to borrow books on business plans and parenting. As I browsed the cataloque, I jotted down some call numbers. One of the numbers I jotted down (which was suppose to be either parenting or business plans), lead me to this book!
HEALING! HEALING! HEALING!
Our world is so broken, so numb, so lofty, we forget about our wounds. Layers are healed over, but the wounds still lie raw beneath. Many people who have experienced trauma, like myself, reach out in silence to self help books. I dream that El-Shaddai's will be a place for people to reach out to and feel welcomed, not judged, totally accepted and free to borrow books, videos, or music to enrich their healing journey.
Sure it's Christian materials, I too felt like I couldn't trust Christian views on certain topics, like verbal abuse. I thought Christian authors would tell me to turn the other cheek and take it, forgive, yadi yadi yadi... But on Sunday, (yes, I skipped church), the alarm to El-Shaddai's went off. Someone opened the front door. So I drove down to see if we had someone break in. Well good news, nothing was stolen, just the door was unlocked.
"Ok, here I am God! You obviously called me" - browsing the shelves, i found a book on verbal abuse. (I've been looking for one and found none, not even in the public library). - and guess what? It's amazing! Really, sound practical solutions. This book is giving me strength to stand firm, to know my worth, to NOT be a door mat! -
"Ok, here I am God! You obviously called me" - browsing the shelves, i found a book on verbal abuse. (I've been looking for one and found none, not even in the public library). - and guess what? It's amazing! Really, sound practical solutions. This book is giving me strength to stand firm, to know my worth, to NOT be a door mat! -
I dont' know how I ended up here - my blog was suppose to be about quitting Religion.
Perhaps this is how it looks like?
Perhaps this is how it looks like?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Lucas is 10 months old and Mommy's Back To Work
I feel GREAT!
I heard many mommy's complain about how its easy to loose yourself as a mom and now I can understand with all the self denying, self sacrificing, and simply lack of time for self nurturing tendencies. On top of that, I realized that my Christian walk has been warped and out of wack. I forgot all about "loving others AS I LOVE MYSELF"
Who am I, What do I like, What do I want, What would I do?
The I in my relationships and marriage started to fade and soon, with that my self-esteem. When we deny ourselves, I found that my body started to speak for me, feelings would rise (guilt, jelousy), and stress level with that.
5. Marriage Counselling
I heard many mommy's complain about how its easy to loose yourself as a mom and now I can understand with all the self denying, self sacrificing, and simply lack of time for self nurturing tendencies. On top of that, I realized that my Christian walk has been warped and out of wack. I forgot all about "loving others AS I LOVE MYSELF"
Who am I, What do I like, What do I want, What would I do?
The I in my relationships and marriage started to fade and soon, with that my self-esteem. When we deny ourselves, I found that my body started to speak for me, feelings would rise (guilt, jelousy), and stress level with that.
However, today, I feel GREAT; Why?
1. Developing a Personal Style
For 9 months during pregnancy and 9 months after, all I wore was baby doll tops, lots of BLACK, and sweats. I can walk into a store and feel that NOTHING there will look nice on ME. Having a husband consistantly bugging me to where mini skirts doesn't help either; because that's just not ME.
So I started to browse magazines and downloaded some fashion apps for mon my iphone to browse and take note of what I liked and what I didn't like. Then I CLEANED out my closet tossing everything that I didn't fit anymore, especially items I've saved thinking I will one day fit those again! Nope Gone, I don't care! Finally, I went shopping for a something I REALLY liked and didn't care whether it was on sale or not, because I AM WORTH IT! haha!
2. Back to Work
So I started to browse magazines and downloaded some fashion apps for mon my iphone to browse and take note of what I liked and what I didn't like. Then I CLEANED out my closet tossing everything that I didn't fit anymore, especially items I've saved thinking I will one day fit those again! Nope Gone, I don't care! Finally, I went shopping for a something I REALLY liked and didn't care whether it was on sale or not, because I AM WORTH IT! haha!
2. Back to Work
Being back to work at what I do best, Accounting has been so liberating. It's one area I know I can.
Being able to dress up, talk to people in non baby language, and simply be an adult is new and exciting. The boys at work thinking that I"m onlyy 24 helps too:) hehe In addition; having the extra income now eliviates our financial stress and we can move into managing our finances and not let our finances manage us. (Mo and I)
Being able to dress up, talk to people in non baby language, and simply be an adult is new and exciting. The boys at work thinking that I"m onlyy 24 helps too:) hehe In addition; having the extra income now eliviates our financial stress and we can move into managing our finances and not let our finances manage us. (Mo and I)
3. Stopped Being Religious
Believe it or not, after 10 years of going to church and being a Christian, I QUIT!
I recently finished a book by Andrew Farley "God without Religion" and it's help me put on new lens as I view my faith.
I recently finished a book by Andrew Farley "God without Religion" and it's help me put on new lens as I view my faith.
4. Loving Myself with No Guilt
I'm starting to honor myself and love myself with NO GUILT by making time for myself, tidying, and simply listening to my feelings, needs, and wants. The next hardest thing is finding and using my voice to assert what I need and want.
But ofcourse not always, I still have that nagging thought " oh but that is so selfish";
People who judge don't matter, and people who matter don't judge!
But ofcourse not always, I still have that nagging thought " oh but that is so selfish";
People who judge don't matter, and people who matter don't judge!
5. Marriage Counselling
Mo and I are going to marriage counselling and its really helped us understand each other, how to communicate, and also what our boundaries are with each other. I can't change anyone including my husband, but I can certainly change myself and my reactions. - To give someone freedom and honoring his choices has freed and empowered me to make my own choices and actions. I feel closer to him and can embrace each day with him. (almost each day .. hehe)
6. El-Shaddai'sThe store is now self-sustaining after its 3rd year of operating. Though its been hard work with huge financial stress; I think the hard part is over and now we (my partner and I) have more freedom and resources to create new projects and ideas to help improve the business / ministry. Our team there is so helpful, and gifted in different ways. Truly its not just a ministry to our customers, but its been a place of healing for myself.
7. Friendships & Family
Spending more time with friend's and family, accepting help, talking about my struggles, and reaching out has helped me nurture and develop the relationships that mean most in my life. Many friends have come and go, but there is a handful, that hold a special place in my heart.
8. My Mom
Being a mom, has opened my eyes, to the depth of love my own mother has for me. For those who know me well, its been a rough journey with my mother or lack of. However, during my time of financial need, she really poured into my life, her time, her effort, and her love. I'm truly thankful for her and can see what an awesome mother she is.
Well I hope this list for me continues and that I can come back to this and reflect on days I don't feel so great! :) -
Any hoo, thanks for reading and I hope you have a GGGGGGRRRRRREAT DAY!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
First Day - Attempt to go back to Work w Baby
So after being declined from CPP disability benefits, it seemed evident that perhaps, I am to work then.
Yesterday was my first attempt to bring baby to the store and work. The whole day was all about consoling the baby in hopes that I can put some time in at work, but that didn't happen. I think Lucas was so use to seeing his daddy during the day, that he was missing him and missing home, both at the same time. I felt so guilty putting him through it, and guilty that I was not present with him as my mind was just waiting for the next opportunity to work, to actually, juggle both - I didn't get home until 9pm and by then, I was so tired and spent, physically, spiritually and emotionally and guess what..... I didn't work at all! What on earth am I doing?
Today, I stayed home, but my body is not co-operating with me. My right shoulder and collar bones hurt (probably from yesterday's ordeal), so makes playing with Lucas a bit difficult. He's sleeping most of the day to recover from what I put him through yesterday.
Being a mom is hard, being a mom with RA is harder, being a mom with RA and no income, is super hard and finally being a mom with RA, no income and trying to run a small business (www.elshaddaisbooks.org) is is super duper hard.
I feel like God is testing me. He blessed me with a home, a husband, a baby, and I can praise him through the good stuff. Now can I still praise Him through the storm? Can I still trust Him when I feel stuck?
Amazingly, I came home to a couple of checks in the mail. One for a gst refund and another for msp. I definitely count these as miracles and a sign that God has got me covered. He will provide for us as a family. I just need to stay put and trust Him, but have to admit, its hard.
If any of you are reading may be in a similar situation, please watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEmQGUcgL-0
Well I'm waiting for my husband to come home from hockey so that I can shower!
I took these simple things for granted.
Yesterday was my first attempt to bring baby to the store and work. The whole day was all about consoling the baby in hopes that I can put some time in at work, but that didn't happen. I think Lucas was so use to seeing his daddy during the day, that he was missing him and missing home, both at the same time. I felt so guilty putting him through it, and guilty that I was not present with him as my mind was just waiting for the next opportunity to work, to actually, juggle both - I didn't get home until 9pm and by then, I was so tired and spent, physically, spiritually and emotionally and guess what..... I didn't work at all! What on earth am I doing?
Today, I stayed home, but my body is not co-operating with me. My right shoulder and collar bones hurt (probably from yesterday's ordeal), so makes playing with Lucas a bit difficult. He's sleeping most of the day to recover from what I put him through yesterday.
Being a mom is hard, being a mom with RA is harder, being a mom with RA and no income, is super hard and finally being a mom with RA, no income and trying to run a small business (www.elshaddaisbooks.org) is is super duper hard.
I feel like God is testing me. He blessed me with a home, a husband, a baby, and I can praise him through the good stuff. Now can I still praise Him through the storm? Can I still trust Him when I feel stuck?
Amazingly, I came home to a couple of checks in the mail. One for a gst refund and another for msp. I definitely count these as miracles and a sign that God has got me covered. He will provide for us as a family. I just need to stay put and trust Him, but have to admit, its hard.
If any of you are reading may be in a similar situation, please watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEmQGUcgL-0
Well I'm waiting for my husband to come home from hockey so that I can shower!
I took these simple things for granted.
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